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"The moon's an arrant thief, and her pale fire she snatches from the sun." -Mark Twain You are almost certain Mark Twain said that. 04/18/09 "John: Topple urn." You clumsily mishandle the SACRED URN. In retrospect, upon mulling cinematic tropes regarding ash-filled urns, this outcome was a virtual certainty.

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But with any hope, perhaps you will advance new, more practical FETCH MODI for your SYLLADEX with a little more experience. 04/14/09 "John: Read note on drawer." This note is rich with the aromas of FATHERLY AFTERSHAVES AND COLOGNES. 04/14/09 "John: Take poster." Another BIRTHDAY ARTIFACT. The next thing you do will probably be exceptionally meaningful. The HAMMER and NAILS are now captchalogued on the same card and can be used together. 04/14/09 "John: Examine Con Air poster." PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX. Ordinarily this ridiculous book would be way too heavy to carry around in any practical way.On one wall hangs a picture of a fella who sure knows how to have a laugh, a man after your own heart.You always thought he looked a lot like Michael Cera.Hey, welcome to the super cool low-tech search page! You like to program computers but you are NOT VERY GOOD AT IT. 04/13/09 "John: Quickly retrieve arms from drawer." Your ARMS are in your MAGIC CHEST, pooplord! Some of this stuff may come in handy at some point. You are so bad at programming sometimes you wonder why you even bother with it. That is to say, HE CAN HARDLY BE CONSIDERED A TERRIBLY PROPER GENTLEMAN AT ALL. 04/15/09 "John: Examine mailbox." The little red arm-swingy-dealy thing or whatever it is called is flipped up! It looks like your DAD has returned from the grocery store. Sometimes you feel like you are trapped in this room. 04/16/09 "John: Examine games on CD rack." You've put countless manhours into this assortment of quality titles. But to really dig into this hefty book, you will have to captchalogue it. Oh, right, you forgot your chum is still pestering you.To search for something, hit Ctrl F (or Apple F) and type what you're looking for. If your text is in one of the commands or captions, it'll show up here. 04/13/09 "Homestuck" A young man stands in his bedroom. You have a fondness for PARANORMAL LORE, and are an aspiring AMATEUR MAGICIAN. 04/13/09 "Remove CAKE from MAGIC CHEST." Out of sympathy for John's perceived lack of arms, you pick up the CAKE for him and put it on his BED. For now, you decide to just take the SMOKE PELLETS. 04/14/09 "John: Examine calendar." You've marked your birthday, the 13th of April. 04/14/09 "John: Eat cake." You are sick to death of cake!!! And you have no intention of clogging your SYLLADEX with it either. Stuck, if you will, in a sense which possibly borders on the titular. The clockwork of friendship turns ceaselessly, operating the swing-lever dealies of harassment in perpetuity! 04/16/09 "John: Read COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT." You decide to consult with the Colonel's bottomless wisdom. You are not sure you are ready to logjam your other ARTIFACTS beneath it just yet. In a momentary lapse of concentration, you accidentally captchalogue the arms again. 04/16/09 "John: Answer chum." |PESTERLOG| 04/16/09 "John: Combine fake arms with cake." You stick the FAKE ARMS in the CAKE on your bed.04/14/09 "John: Examine Problem Sleuth Poster." Is it even possible to get any more hard boiled than that? 04/14/09 "John: Squawk like an imbecile and shit on your desk." This is the dumbest idea you've had in weeks!!! 04/14/09 "John: Use hammer/nails on poster." You use the HAMMER and NAILS card IN CONJUNCTION with the card beneath it. You guess maybe this is one respect in which the cards present some convenience.

04/14/09 "John: Nail poster to wall." You use the HAMMER, NAILS, and POSTER on the blank space on the wall. 04/17/09 "John: Examine Game Bro Magazine." 04/17/09 "John: Read article." 04/17/09 "John: Captchalogue Game Bro." It might come in handy if you ever need something that burns easily.

Check mail later." If you go down stairs to get it, he will likely monopolize hours of your time.

04/18/09 "John: Captchalogue magician's hat." You expend your final card on the MAGICIAN'S HAT.

04/14/09 "John: Examine contents of chest." In here you keep an array of humorous and mystical ARTIFACTS, each one a devastating weapon in the hands of a SKILLED MAGICIAN or a CUNNING PRANKSTER. Among the ARTIFACTS are: TWO (2) FAKE ARMS [CURRENTLY CAPTCHALOGUED IN YOUR SYLLADEX], ONE (1) PAIR OF TRICK HANDCUFFS, ONE (1) STUNT SWORD, ONE (1) MAGICIAN'S HAT, ONE (1) PAIR OF BEAGLE PUSS GLASSES, SEVERAL (~) SMOKE PELLETS, SEVERAL (~) BLOOD CAPSULES, and ONE (1) COPY OF COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT OF MAGICAL FRIVOLITY AND PRACTICAL JAPERY, and ONE (1) COPY OF HARRY ANDERSON'S "WISE GUY", BY MIKE CAVENEY. 04/15/09 "John: Examine incoming message." You pull up to your COMPUTER. You decorated your desktop with some rather handsome WALLPAPER which you made yourself. Your desktop is also littered with various PROGRAMMING PROJECT FILES. 04/15/09 "John: Open Pesterchum." Only one of your CHUMS is logged in. 04/15/09 "John: Open message." |PESTERLOG| -- turntech Godhead 04/15/09 "John: Look out window." You see the view of your yard from your window. In a kid's yard, a tree without a tire swing is like a proper gentleman without a monocle. The red flippy-lever thing means you have new mail. 04/15/09 "John: Go outside and check mailbox." You are about to hurry down stairs when you hear a car pull into the driveway. You decide to chill out up here for a while until the dust settles.

You will have to use the pellets first in order to access the arms. 04/16/09 "John: Allocate hammer to strife specibus." You check the back of your STRIFE SPECIBUS for the KIND ABSTRATUS you have in mind for it.

You don't care what COLONEL SASSACRE says, that makes it AT LEAST a million percent funnier.