Frum dating questions
Frum dating questions
There is a long history of what he calls the “exchange relationship,” in which women control men’s access to sex.In order to get it, men bring to the table resources, commitment, and fidelity.
Regnerus doesn’t talk much about LGBT relationships, except to say that these market dynamics might make women more likely to “experiment with same-sex relationships,” to circumvent the problem of noncommittal men.In previous eras, this exchange was effective at producing marriages (though it also went hand-in-hand with strict sexual mores and women’s subjugation).But now that sex before marriage and sex outside of relationships is common, safe, and less stigmatized, men don’t have to work as hard for it, according to Regnerus.This forces women to be choosier about who they say yes to.Even if they also swipe with abandon, they end up with more matches to sort through—yet more gatekeeping.He also writes that because there is no gatekeeper in gay men’s relationships, they are less likely to be sexually monogamous.
When it comes to heterosexual relationships, Regnerus sums up his theory like this: “It’s not that love is dead, but the sexual incentives for men to sacrifice and commit have largely dissolved, spelling a more confusing and circuitous path to commitment and marriage than earlier eras.”This all smacks strongly of gender essentialism.
He sounds a bit like your proverbial grandma cautioning that a man will never buy the cow if he’s getting the milk for free.like: “She wishes to be a free rider—in this case, to find a good man—without contributing to the kinds of normative relationship behavior that make men better. It can’t work.”He goes on: “In the domain of sex and relationships men will act as nobly as women collectively demand.
This is an aggravating statement for women to read, no doubt.
So they ghost and flake and dither about committing to one person.
Many women don’t need what resources men have to offer, anyway; they have their own.
His idea, as you might suspect from the title, is that sex is not as costly to access as it once was—in terms of time, effort, and risk.